PORTSIDE

Walking down the Bay Port hallway

A how-to

Connor Servais

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Have you ever been there–You’re walking down the hallway and all of a sudden you notice everyone else around you is going the opposite direction? High school hallways can sometimes be confusing, which is why I’m here to clear up any misunderstandings you might have about traveling between classes.

The first step to a smooth hallway experience is to throw any common sense out of the window. For example, if you’re turning down a hallway to the left, the appropriate thing to do would be to ram into any people in the immediate vicinity, and scream at any others who didn’t see you turning into the direct space that they were traveling to. Hallway traveling is best left brainless. Always remember, if you think it’s the correct, polite, or courteous thing to do, you are wrong.

This tip is only applicable in the pods when opening doors that lead to stairways. Because there are two doors leading into the back stairwell, whenever you see someone exiting from a door, always attempt to enter through that same door. This can also be played out similarly to a race. Whoever opens the door first gets to enter/leave first. Also, it’s even better if you manage to open the door while simultaneously causing an injury by slamming the door into the other person’s body.

A good pointer is to always display your unique taste in music by blasting your songs out of a speaker while walking down the hallway. If you do this, it must be loud enough to be heard by everyone, that way students have a nice, easy way to be exposed to new music! One limitation, though, is that the song must either contain more than ten swear words, or include the artist screaming for more than thirty seconds. This allows for a new sounding song, rather than that pop you can listen to on any old radio station.  

Bay Port is a school that loves affection and emotion; This means that if you feel like hugging someone you haven’t seen in a few days, go for it! The best way to do this is if you stop as close to the middle of the hallway, and take at least two minutes to cherish your time with this other person. This is also applicable for violently making out, which is highly encouraged by all of the staff and students, who greatly enjoy watching two pubescent teenagers attempt to devour each other in front of everyone. Also on this topic, holding hands is a great way to show how much you like someone! However, if you are to execute this properly, you must walk slower than every other student around you and make sure that no one else is able to navigate around you. This is in order to make everyone notice you, and how much you enjoy the company of the other person.

This next rule pertains to vocalizing your thoughts and opinions when carrying yourself to other classes. If someone is wearing an outfit or hairstyle that you feel is gross and doesn’t look good on them, go ahead and tell them! This works better if they are relatively far away, so you can shout your hateful comments across a huge enough area so that a large number of people can hear your criticism directed at someone who you don’t know personally. The other person is sure to appreciate your assessment of their outfits and/or hair, and will most likely take it into account when picking out their outfits in the future.

This rule is the most important; It’s the secret code for all hallway and stair transportation. Always, and I mean always, walk on the left side of the walkway. This is most likely what you’ve been doing wrong throughout most of your high school career. Although it’s a common belief that the right side is the correct side to walk down, this is outdated, and no longer applicable. When walking on the left side you’re able to stick out from the rest of the mass, and you’re able to see a multitude of people, versus the limited amount you see walking on the right side. This makes it much easier to be able to pick out your friends between classes, and therefore gives you more chances to show that affection that Bay Port loves so much.

My hope is that these rules and regulations make walking down the hallway a breeze! Always remember that there’s no common sense permitted, and nothing could go wrong. All of my tips and tricks should help you seamlessly walk through Bay Port High School like a professional- you can thank me later.

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