District says bye-bye to short hair

Christine Eckert, Staff Writer

Some regulations regarding student hair will be implemented district-wide during the 2020-2021 school year. All students and teacher’s hair must be past their shoulders, and those who do not comply will face firing or expulsion with absolutely no exceptions, according to Superintendent Damien LaCroix.
The mastermind behind this idea is head cheerleader Tabatha Tremble.
“We can’t let uggos with short hair storm our hallway anymore. The way to truly make our district equal–equality among hair length,” Tabatha said. “What really inspired me was when I saw the Charlie’s Angels movie remake and they all had such dull, flat and even short hair. Farrah Fawcett is rolling in her grave!”
In late 2019, Tabatha met with LaCroix, and she discussed her concerns. Tabatha confirmed that after a suggested higher budget was proposed to implement this rule, LaCroix was down for anything.
“Just think of the money we can spend enforcing this,” Lacroix said. “We can hire people specifically to weed out those with short hair, produce signage. The possibilities are endless.”
In the presentation given to LaCroix regarding the new policy, the benefits of long hair were laid out. The biggest benefit: due to Wisconsin’s climate, it is argued that having a warmer mop on the head will keep students safer.
This rule will come into effect in January of 2021 to allow students and teachers to grow out their hair.
Students have conflicting opinions. Many students say this is dangerous as these regulations can lead to lack of freedom in expression.
“The people that question my power trip wouldn’t see a smart idea if it cuffed them on the back of their short haired heads,” Tabatha said.

*Satirical Article*